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Advice column…

October 18, 2009

On a crisp Spring day in 2009,

after Mr. Green’s comprehensive exam at Harbour Centre,

in the board room with Colonel Mustard,

Dr. Avraham Cohen concluded with this deductive reasoning,

Philosophydoll, you have such a way of saying something by saying nothing…

Who would ever have thought YOU would be writing about hockey…

I once had a dream about a brand new pack of tarot cards,

and a paintbrush…

The cards were blank,

and the instructions were clear…

In listening to myself,

I always do what I’m told,

with increasing intensity…

Back in the days of suburban ditches,

when I was little,

there was no such thing as girls’ hockey…

So finding my legs,

in a cage,

on hockey skates,

is an adjustment,

and so is working up,

a quick shot,

with soft hands…

Unlike many of the boys in my classroom,

I never had to take a girl aside,

for a quiet conversation,

about playing pocket billiards,

during Calendar…

Different equipment,


but not always,

determines different perception,

and although this may seem,

like a verbal Suduko puzzle to some,

others will get it,

right off the bat…

After only three weeks at the local rink,

the shine is already wearing thin,

as self-appointed coaches,

irritate my sciatica,

with their uninvited hotstove…

Here is what I heard at Stick and Puck last Friday:

1) Get some new moves, you’re too predictable… (projection)

2) It’s a waste of time to skate with a stick and no puck… (from the old guys)

3) Ignore the old guys… (from the young guy)

4) You don’t need a cage… (from a healthy scratch)

Listen Mr. Hockeyhands,

I didn’t suffer through two years of braces,

with headgear,

in junior high,

to risk getting my teeth knocked out,

by a puck,

during a mid-ice crisis…

It’s funny to see THE Peanut Gallery choke on itself,

in response to the following epi-question,

Who’s department are YOU in right now???

It may be conspiracy theory,

but apparently NASA expended major energy this month,

by slamming a probe,

into the Moon’s south pole…

It shouldn’t have to take,

a team of rocket scientists,

to figure out,

that even with persistent strikes,

Luna would not offer up,

the expected response…

My doctor of TCM hit the nail on the head,

as I was impersonating a pin cushion,

on an amethyst mat,

when she said,

That is such a yang way to get some yin…

With so much ancient knowledge,

and genius,

available to Man-kind,

it is beyond comprehension,

that a more sophisticated way,

of coming together,

isn’t collective practice…

In commitment to a wu wei,

of evolving,

the origin of the species…

I haven't been shopping for any new shoes...

I haven't been shopping for any new shoes...


One Comment leave one →
  1. October 27, 2009 1:53 pm

    Is it a sign of a midlife crisis if I play expecting to get my teeth knocked out?

    As for hockey advice I refuse to take any advice until I’ve seen the person playing.

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