Truth serum…
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
1. Read in any order.
2. All exercises are open to interpretation.
3. Feel free to add, alter, or ignore.
4. There are NO rules, merely suggestions.
5. Treat EVERYTHING as an experiment.
6. Start with whatever makes you feel a twinge of EXCITEMENT.
— in How to Be an Explorer of the World by Keri Smith
Looking back,
I would say that two years ago today I felt like I would never laugh again…
Like I was so far down a hole of despair and sadness,
I couldn’t find my way out…
I just went along with it because I’ve grown up with Vancouver weather,
and I know how it can sock in,
and then how a high pressure system can push the clouds away,
and within minutes you can’t remember the last time it rained…
This morning I laughed so hard I fell off the couch,
and coughed up some lung jelly…
It wasn’t pretty but it was funny…
I noticed that due to mula bandha work I didn’t pee my pants…
After birthing two babies,
this was a major breakthrough of a perineal strengthening process…
Starshine reminded me to keep breathing while I split my sides…
Little Gem looked at me with some concern but smiled with relief when Starshine told her,
Mama’s going to be okay…
She’s just in hysterics…
Once I’d recovered I told them that I was so inspired by my morning reading,
that I was intending to take leave to Scotland for awhile,
to make my way in the world,
and experience pure golf,
on natural links created by a firth…
I said,
I’ll miss you,
but I’ll write,
all about it…
Little Gem looked concerned again,
Mama you’re not going to leave us and go to Scotland...
As I held her separation anxiety,
I said,
I’ll have to when the time is right,
but don’t worry,
I’ll send for you after I’m settled…
On Friday I fell into a wormhole while talking with the vice-principal,
after Little Gem’s swimming lessons…
While listening to his comparison between the San Jose Sharks and the Chicago Blackhawks,
I started to bang my fists on my chest…
I felt consecutive urges to swing on vines,
rub sticks together,
and sweat beer…
He felt it too,
but instead of going jungle,
or to a cave,
he went to his classroom,
and closed up the week with his class of grade threes…
The principal peeked his head into the conversation…
He’s a small man,
but he’s mighty…
He likes to fish,
and is a master at playing spoons…
He too felt the energy of sweating beer,
but he had to go back to his office,
and deal with the paperwork,
that is killing us all softly…
I have a lot of projects on the go right now…
The house is covered with fabric, ribbon, bamboo tape,
knitting needles,
and a Baby Lock serger…
I often,
but less and less,
get overwhelmed in what appears to be an absence of method…
And in those moments when my effort scatters,
and I feel like I’m losing ground on completion,
I pick up one thing,
and force myself to stay with it until it is finished…
Even if the task is only one sink full of dishes,
or replacing a lost button…
And when that one task is mastered,
I expand out of that contraction,
and reach further afield,
like a jellyfish pulsing through open waters,
with a heart of fire,
and lungs on wings…
Coming together…
A seed is secretive,
it does not reveal itself too quickly…
— in A Seed Is Sleepy Diana Aston and Sylvia Long
On December 25th, 2005,
a friend invited me over to her house,
for an afternoon sherry,
before I was due to volunteer,
my gravy making skills,
for a turkey dinner…
This friend had recently met her husband,
through Lavalife,
and often said to me,
Little Buddy,
maybe one day you’ll be so lucky…
They broke the mold,
when they made this one…
I watched how she walked this man,
and the history,
of his seventeen ex-girlfriend’s,
nicknames and all,
in through her door,
and right into her bed…
In my mind,
especially when,
you are given a second chance,
the most important thing,
you can bring,
to the gift of marriage,
is a willingness,
to unpack your bags,
and leave it all behind,
through a process of transforming,
base metals,
into gold…
I watched her emaciation,
as their relationship wasted away,
in the depleted soil,
of anxiety…
I watched the pressure,
to get married,
and how after a hurried pregnancy,
during which she couldn’t stand,
the smell of him,
and couldn’t stop throwing up,
they had a beautiful new baby,
that he tossed,
all rigid into the air,
over and over,
breaking all responsible codes,
of health,
and safety…
I felt her older daughter’s suppressed rage,
expressing itself,
as eczema,
and chronic constipation…
I listened every night,
on the phone,
to her complaints,
of how he watched man cartoons,
in his office,
while she washed up,
the train wreck,
he made in the kitchen,
in the wake of an alleged,
gourmet meal…
And I heard her cry,
He doesn’t do a single minute of parenting…
I also knew,
that this,
was major passive aggressive backlash,
to her way,
or the highway…
I thought but didn’t say,
If this is what you call lucky,
could you please direct me to the nearest convent…
My notions,
of conjugal bliss,
are surrounded,
by temple boundaries,
the grace of God,
and a honey moon,
that lights every corner,
of the room,
even on a shady day…
And on that Christmas afternoon,
as I sipped sherry,
sitting on the chair,
across the living room,
from them,
while two girls were having mommy time,
in their bedrooms,
I wondered if it was standard,
operating procedure,
for Mr. Brokethemold,
to entertain,
his wife’s friends,
in his bathrobe,
while she scratched his calves,
with her long fingernails…
As his robe nearly fell on the floor,
I thought but didn’t say,
You may have invited me for drinks,
but it feels like there was plans for me,
to be the main course…
Then I got up and went to be of service,
somewhere else…
Friend got erased from the friend list…
She wondered what had gone wrong…
I was surprised that she couldn’t figure it out,
for herself…
The only words I could offer were,
Every relationship has its seasons,
and due to cumulative weather patterns,
ours has moved into winter…
Yesterday I noticed,
that after dying right down,
my Aloha Lily is pushing new shoots,
up through,
the brown soil and vermiculite…
I had my moments of doubt,
but I never gave up on it,
and the message got across…
Today when I was riding home,
from Little Gem’s swimming lessons,
I stopped,
for the first time,
at the Mediterranean Deli on Commercial Drive,
just as spinach pies emerged,
from the oven…
The owner reluctantly let me bring my bike into the store…
We got to talking,
and I saw the mistrust leave his eyes…
He came to Canada from Palestine forty-four years ago,
and would not trade this country for the world…
Nor would he trade Vancouver,
for Montreal…
He said,
Sorry if you’re from Montreal…
I laughed and said,
Don’t worry,
this time I’m not from Montreal,
or Jerusalem…
I am from here…
He said,
as he put his hand over his chest,
The only place I’d trade for Vancouver is Powell River…
I fell in love with it there…
For the price of a small city apartment you can buy yourself some land…
I want to go there and raise a herd of goats,
or sheep…
But its hard to give up this business,
even though it weighs on my shoulders,
and my health is suffering…
I said,
I have my own goat and sheep dream,
with horses,
and alpacas,
a couple of musk-ox,
and water buffalo…
And I can feel the weight,
of your heart’s longing…
You need to go…
During our conversation,
a man tried to push his purchase,
of frozen round cheese burek,
in front of me…
I told him,
You’ll have to wait…
Destiny is talking here,
and it is so much stronger than you…
Soft favourites…
When the two boys had left,
she walked toward the lake,
listening…
At first,
all seemed quiet and still…
Then,
close by,
a small voice said,
“Sister, I am calling you…”
“Who said that???” asked the girl,
for she could see no one…
“Here… I am here…”
The chief’s daughter looked down to find a small frog in the tall grass…
“Oh my!!! How is it you use human speech???” asked the girl…
“I will show you…
Follow me to the shore of the lake,” said the frog…
The girl did so,
and suddenly it appeared as if a low door had opened before her…
but actually the edge of the lake had lifted up…
She walked under…
— In Frog Girl by Paul Owen Lewis
Yesterday,
Little Gem and I,
played Hang Man,
in a waiting room,
during Starshine’s acupuncture appointment…
A massage therapist who shares the office,
was coming in and out of her room,
trying to engage us in conversation,
while her client was waiting naked,
under a sheet,
in her work space…
She had all of the language down…
Energy work,
spiritual path,
emotional triggers,
deeper levels of healing…
I watched my body as she talked…
I felt a knot in my stomach,
constriction over the top of my scalp,
tightness in my chest,
aversion in my skin,
and double suction tubes in my neck…
As she kneeled on the ground beside me,
I was thinking,
Maybe you should be attending to your client…
She finally got up,
and as she walked away said,
We should arrange for a massage the next time you’re here…
My body firmly said no,
as I said good-bye and closed my door…
I’ve become very familiar,
with this pattern of feeling,
and now I don’t ignore it…
I listen to it,
because it is there,
to protect me…
I have learned to be very careful,
about whom,
I take my clothes,
off for,
and more importantly,
whom I’ll let,
into my field…
I’ve been caught,
with my skirt unzipped,
around individuals,
who are not clear,
about what they’re doing,
and why…
That is definitely not a safe place to be in,
but it certainly is a place to learn from…
Just because someone has a great looking card,
doesn’t mean,
they should be in the business…
Last year I had to go to a gynecologist,
for follow up,
on some intense and unusual abdominal pain,
that I was experiencing…
I specifically asked to be referred to a woman physician…
While I was waiting for the doctor,
in the examining room,
a young man,
the size of a hockey player,
walked in,
sat down,
introduced himself by his first name,
and then began asking me a series of questions,
starting with,
When was your last date of sexual intercourse???
He didn’t inform me as to whether he was a medical student,
or a resident…
The doctor to whom I was referred did not introduce him,
or ask me if it was okay,
for her student,
to begin the exam…
It was assumed by the authority of the white coat…
Often,
until we’ve had a bank of experiences to go on,
we don’t know that things aren’t okay,
until they’re over,
and some time has passed,
especially if we’ve been told,
from an early age,
that things happen to us,
because of what we’re wearing,
our personality,
or due to the colour of our skin…
I had a heads up in this case,
and I took the young man,
and the experienced woman doctor,
on a ride ,
that they were not,
prepared for…
At one point I was asked,
if I would submit,
to a pelvic exam…
If you’re a man,
and you’ve had to bend,
for a finger,
in a rubber glove,
I can guarantee you,
that’s peanuts,
in terms of invasion,
in comparison to a pelvic exam,
with,
or without,
a speculum…
I wondered,
what would be,
the purpose,
of that procedure,
given that there was already,
specific information,
from an ultrasound report,
about the size and dimension,
of what was being investigated…
The experienced doctor said,
Ultrasounds are not an exact science…
WE’d like to try and feel what is there…
Please…
How scientific is a big hand and some fingers trying to get a grip on a ovary through a vaginal wall???
I wasn’t born yesterday,
and neither was the medical student…
Even though he was probably young enough to have been one of my grade one students,
he got the inappropriateness of what was going on in that room…
I made sure to send a back-up message with my eyes,
and I took my business elsewhere…
You know the message,
has been delivered,
when a doctor is calls,
repeatedly,
from her rounds,
Just to check in and see if everything is okay…
My experience with doctor number two and her student was completely different…
Contrast teaches big time…
Not everyone feels comfortable to take their power and say NO!,
when they’re in a vulnerable position…
We’re collectively schooled out of doing so…
Anaethetized into compliance,
from day one…
While we finished up waiting for Starshine,
Little Gem asked me what we were having for dinner…
People with children know that this is an aggravation technique,
children use,
to test mettle,
on a daily basis…
I said,
Eggplant sandwiches…
They’re super delicious…
When Starshine came out of her appointment,
in a swirl of relaxation,
with little gold dots on her ears,
that she can press,
when she’s stressed,
I heard Little Gem whisper,
Guess what Mama’s going to make us eat for dinner…
It’s the worst ever…
Eggplant sandwiches…
Starshine laughed,
You’re funny Mama…
I said,
I’m not funny…
I’m serial…
As the three of us were in the car about to drive over the Cambie Street Bridge,
Starshine said,
I’ve never been to Wendy’s…
I’m all about making my children’s dreams come true,
so I drove straight into,
the parking lot…
They couldn’t believe it…
Sometimes the best way to cure a craving,
for fast food,
is to have some…
By the time we got through our burgers,
both girls said,
I feel sick…
I never want to come here again…
I said,
Why not??? This food is so tasty…
Starshine said,
It’s disgusting…
I think I’m going to vomit…
And Little Gem said,
The music is worse…
I can’t finish my food…
When we got home I told Starshine that I want her to tell all of her friends that we went to Wendy’s for dinner…
I said,
The last thing I want people to think is that I’m a hippy…
Going to Wendy’s will prove that I’m not…
She said,
What do you want people to think that you are???
I said,
A head banger…
If you don’t know what that is you can look it up on the Wikipedia…
As Starshine was falling asleep we were talking about the day…
I asked how she felt around the woman at the acupuncturist’s office…
She said,
She was weird…
I felt like she was draining me,
and everyone in the room…
And she kept asking me what card I pulled from the deck on the counter…
I had to tell her THREE times!!!
BOUNDARIES…
“It’s okay to keep your precious time and energy for yourself…”
Starshine asked me,
What card did you pull Mama???
RELAXATION…
“It’s okay to be lazy…
and ‘do’ nothing…”
Won't you smile a while with me...
Canuck'd 