Violet hill…

This past spring I discovered,

through much pain and the heat of fear,

that my ferritin (iron) levels were nearly non-existent…

Dropping to levels this low takes a long time…

And when you’ve been running through life,

for years,

on adrenalin,

it is tricky to notice and feel,

your exhaustion,

until you start to winder’all down…

The process of getting to rock bottom,

is a slippery slope of feeling like next to nothing…

Floating around in the dark,

like you might be a ghost…

There are gifts to this experience…

Being this transparent,

ethereal,

and open to other worlds is a lot like what I read about,

in The Teachings of Don Juan: a Yaqui Way of Knowledge…

Only I didn’t need to hunt for the just the right roots,

to grind them into powders…

No iron in my blood,

with a few other secret ingredients,

was my Mecalito…

And my learning came,

by being fully present,

to my bodily experiences…

All of them…

Listening to the messages,

that blocked energy was telling me,

as it came to the surface for healing…

As Don Juan tells Carlos…

When a man starts to learn,

he is never clear about his objectives…

His purpose is faulty;

his intent is vague…

He hopes for rewards that will never materialize for he knows nothing about the hardships of learning…

He slowly begins to learn — bit by bit at first, then in big chunks…

And his thoughts soon clash…

What he learns is never what he pictured,

or imagined,

and so he begins to be afraid…

Learning is never what one expects…

Every step of learning is a new task,

and the fear the man is experiencing begins to mount mercilessly,

unyieldingly…

His purpose becomes a battlefield…

No one ever told me this when I was in school…

But as a maturing learner,

fully immersed in what is happening right now,

in the school of real life,

I know all about the clashing of thoughts,

and hard core fear…

There is no easy way,

and there is no where to hide…

I also know this from giving birth,

two times,

at home…

Our bodies,

with all their wisdom,

will not let us run from our fears…

We can suppress and distract ourselves for so long,

even self-medicate,

but eventually the truth comes up,

to look through us,

straight into the eyes,

of our brave hearts…

Carlos asks Don Juan…

What happens to the man who runs away in fear???

Don Juan tells Carlos…

Nothing happens to him except that he will never learn…

He will never become a man of knowledge…

He will perhaps be a bully,

or a harmless,

scared man;

at any rate,

he will be a defeated man…

He must not run away…

He must defy his fear,

and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning,

and the next,

and the next…

He must be fully afraid,

and yet he must not stop…

That is the rule!!!

And a moment will come when his first enemy retreats…

Then the man begins to feel sure of himself…

His intent becomes stronger…

Learning is no longer a terrifying task…

While giving birth I connected to an awareness that I could surrender,

to the incredible power that I held inside of me…

Knowing that my body knew just what to do,

when to do it,

and that I could trust the uncertainty of what it could feel,

but couldn’t yet see…

I’ve been told by experts that I have a very efficient uterus…

When your body takes 27 minutes to push an eight pound baby through your birth canal,

and out past your perineum,

there is no way around the experience…

You have to go right through the ring of fire,

and then suddenly,

after great effort,

you find yourself on the other side,

in full relief,

with a new baby in your arms…

No more pain…

And what’s even better,

no more fear…

And then again,

after some time passes you can’t remember any more what was so hard…

You start to believe that you just breathed your baby out…

Maybe even laughed your children into the world…

Yesterday at the river,

while floating around in the current with a bright green noodle,

Little Gem reminded me,

Mama, the water is so cold…

It takes me breath away…

But I wanted to get in there…

So I forced myself…

I knew that it would be okay once I got into the water…

Once I relaxed…

And now look at me…

I’m loving it…