Fast ones…
“Toad, Toad, wake up,” said Frog…
“Look at your garden!!!”
Toad looked at his garden…
Little green plants were coming up out of the ground…
“At last,” shouted Toad,
“my seeds have stopped being afraid to grow!!!”
“And now you will have a nice garden too,” said Frog…
“Yes,” said Toad,
“but you were right, Frog…
It was very hard work…”
— in Frog and Toad Together by Arnold Lobel
Last week I was wrestling with myself in indecision about whether to go to bata de cola class or not…
I told myself,
Just wait until it is clear…
and you know exactly what you want to do…
I sat and waited,
and waited,
until it was right down to the wire…
and then the phone rang…
A good friend calling from out of the blue…
This good friend and I worked together in my last two years of teaching…
before I resigned from the district…
We were a happy complement to each other in that classroom…
with that magic group of children…
and I am so glad to know that she is still there…
seeing them all through to grade seven…
We hadn’t talked in a long time…
but that never matters because we always pick up exactly where we left off…
like it was yesterday…
And there is never any need for apologies or excuses…
because the connection is clear…
We started out the call with a giggle…
because she was calling from her aqua office…
and I could hear her splashing around like a mermaid…
I asked her how her daughter is,
and if she’s involved in a triangle…
The answer was an immediate affirmative…
She wondered how I knew…
I told her that my daughter is in a triangle too…
I asked if her daughter is the stealer, in the middle, or the victim…
She laughed and said,
Apparently,
my daughter is the stealer…
I said,
Oh then we’re in good company…
because so is mine…
Our daughter’s stories were mirror images of the other…
History playing itself out…
over and over…
Children flooding their parents’ sub-conscious pain with memories…
bringing what’s hidden up to the surface for an opportunity to be re-experienced…
and healed…
into stronger symmetry…
On the field trip to Victoria two days later…
I sat beside a mother I have, in the past, tried to avoid…
Her voice grates on my nerves…
But I bit the bullet…
as part of my project of rising above…
This mother immediately talked about her daughter’s story of longing…
and relief…
for finally having found a best friend…
She’s been looking since Kindergarten…
and it has taken until grade five for it to happen…
We’re so relieved…
When women tell me I’m one of their best friend’s…
or the only one they have ever known…
I get vertigo…
and two hands around the throat…
Being a best friend is not a point of pleasure for me…
it’s all consuming…
and connects me to a fear of annihilation…
If I’m up for dying to myself…
I want it to be of my own making…
without any weapon but a will…
to change…
I asked this mother if her daughter is in a triangle…
She looked at me with some surprise and said,
Why yes, she is…
I asked if her daughter is the stealer, in the middle, or the victim…
She said,
My daughter is the victim…
and this has been very hard on all of us…
Where does your language come from???
Are you studying this at the university???
I told her I’d withdrawn from the academy due to its incongruity with my desire for ambivalence and ambiguity…
I added that academics may write about such things in their textbooks and journals…
in an attempt to further scholarly conversations…
But I’m speaking from real life…
and the language comes directly from my ten year old daughter…
as she sees things…
This week Starshine told the self-selected victim in her triangle that she is sorry for anything that she has ever done to upset her…
She asked for forgiveness…
because she just wants things to move along…
And she’s tired of the conflict that is being created…
out of perception…
I told her that that was a big gesture…
and that I would not have been able to do the same thing…
And I reminded her that she is only responsible for what she does…
and not what other people do…
She said,
I know that…
but I just didn’t want to get into discussing the details of what everyone is doing…
or not doing…
or thinks is being done…
I just want things to change…
Funny how once the triangle was mended and re-established…
the victim wanted to challenge another girl in the school who is also so desperate for friends…
to a diss-off…
Despite persistent pressure…
and the fear of retribution…
the othered girl refused…
and walked away…
She’d learned from what went down last year…
and is trying to forge friendships in a way that carries more truth…
Starshine tried to corral what she felt was a discharge of negativity…
and mis-directed power…
and got bitten by the very hand that was asked for forgiveness…
It’s all I can do, as a mother, not to get involved…
and bang some heads together…
But I know that isn’t what these girls need…
My job is to guide my daughter with my own behavior…
and a find a place of compassion…
So instead of taking matters into my own hands…
I’m writing it all down…
in a process of clearing…
and letting go…
Last night when I was snuggling Little Gem to sleep I asked her what she was going to dream about…
She whispered,
Dogs…
Old English Sheepdogs…
I said,
I’m going to dream about a really good friend coming for Starshine…
One who is smart…
and funny,
and mature enough to use power wisely…
Little Gem held my face in her hands and said,
with a smile,
Oh Mama,
that special kind of trouble is right on its way…
Oh look out you rock n' rollers... (photo: Starshine)
Maximum expression…
The first time you see the inside of the ear is a letdown:
the real machinery is hidden deep inside the skull,
encased in a wall of bone…
Once you open the skull and remove the brain,
you need to chip with a chisel to remove the wall…
If you are really good,
or very lucky,
you’ll make the right stroke and see it —
the inner ear…
It resembles the kind of tiny coiled snail shell you find in the dirt in your lawn…
— in Your Inner Fish by Neil Shubin
Failing to go in the circle during Bulerias por fiesta class is no longer an option,
it just happens…
Masterteacher points his long finger directly at us,
one by one,
and backing out would only mean that you have no balls…
I am a woman,
and I want the world to know that without any medication,
or surgery,
it just so happens that by facing my demons,
I am growing testicles…
And you can too…
This week,
after my solo dance,
I received the following feedback,
You have shown a lot of growth…
This is good because the week prior was a gong show…
Bulerias is like that…
It can come and go with the weather,
feeling like one step forward and two steps back…
But one needs to remember that you are never at the same place,
in the spiral of the dance,
even if it seems like it…
Two Saturdays ago Masterteacher explicated on the flamenco song…
He said,
You have to pelear con el cante…
Fight with the song…
You don’t want to be comfortable in a performance…
You want to take risks,
and use all of your resources to get your tone to the right place…
You want your voice to complain…
To break…
And you get this by singing an octave or two higher than where you normally go…
Right at the edge of your range…
Last week sometime Little Gem asked me,
Mama, was there anything that you really wanted when you were a little girl???
I told her,
I always really wanted a baby,
but I knew that I wasn’t old enough to have one…
So I asked for a dog,
and I had to wait until I was in grade seven before we finally got one…
Starshine called from the kitchen,
Well then you know what kind of a place that I’m in right now,
wanting a dog…
I said,
Could you please cut me some slack???
I’m still getting over the loss of our last one…
On Saturday afternoon Little Gem and I were walking home hand in hand from the park…
and she asked me,
Mama,
are you writing any poetry these days…
I told her that I try to make everything I do a poem,
and to have fun when I’m doing it,
like a Hawaiian song…
She said,
Mama,
poems are about love,
and beautiful things,
not testicles…
I said,
It all depends on your perspective…
In the right light,
even dark recesses,
can be coming up,
rainbows…
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies…
Pepper spray…
Presently she looked at Bess and said,
“I have a confession to make…
When I first learned that you had put my photograph in the contest and won,
I admit I was worried about the publicity…
But now I want to tell you that your idea turned out to be a good one…”
“Really???” said Bess…
“Yes,” Nancy replied, smiling…
“Your surprise was a wonderful help to me in finding the clue of the whistling bagpipes!!!”
— in Nancy Drew Mystery Story #41 by Carolyn Keene
Today I took a trip to Victoria,
to visit the Parliament Buildings and St. Ann’s Academy,
with Starshine’s class…
We had to get up before the crack of dawn to catch the 7 am. ferry,
in the rain…
But the clouds parted and it was a spectacular day…
I’m no stranger to school field trips…
I love them…
Especially now that I’m no longer in the position of being responsible for 24 five and six year olds,
and the volunteering parents,
who are sometimes,
but not always,
more work than they’re worth…
Today I was only in charge of four ten and eleven year old girls…
We went over appropriate ferry behaviour,
which included walking in the aisles,
and using low voices…
I asked them to check in with me every fifteen minutes,
and then gave them free rein,
to roam if you want to…
I heard Starshine and her friends talking,
I like how your mom doesn’t follow us around…
She just goes over what is expected,
and then trusts us to do the right thing…
I notice that some parents have no idea how to mediate the world for their children…
They do not seem to see it as a parental responsibility to cultivate a sense of awareness of other people,
and the concept that even though we may each be in our own little worlds,
our worlds collide,
particularly on a crowded vessel…
On the trip home I put myself out on deck,
in the smoking section,
in order to get a moment of peace,
and knit some rows on a new little googaa…
Then peace was shattered,
by another parent…
Someone I had never had the pleasure of meeting before…
Someone I didn’t know from Adam…
A father of my daughter’s classmate happened to be on a getting some business trip the same day as the fieldtrip,
doing a favour for a friend,
in a state of disconnection…
I can’t remember how the conversation started but as soon as I mentioned the nun at St. Ann’s Academy,
he decided to tell me about a woman he dated from City Hall,
and how when things weren’t happening by date #3,
he asked her what the problem was,
because he’d never had difficulty getting his car out of the garage,
with other women…
She confessed to him that she had been a nun and had,
only two years ago,
left her order,
because she felt called to get married and have children…
She told him,
I’m a virgin…
I asked him how old she was…
He told me,
34…
And then he added for emphasis,
You know that’s a lot of baggage to carry around…
There are some barriers that just can’t be overcome…
I stopped seeing her,
it was just too much to take on…
Not quite believing what I’d just heard about one human’s views on another,
I riffed on the nun theme,
in order to bring the conversation back into balance,
and talked about the nun I’d recently met who heard her calling to the church as a child,
but due to her mother standing in her way,
and other life circumstances,
married and had children…
Finally fulfilling her heart’s longing in her fifties,
in a marriage with God…
I asked him if he’s ever experienced a calling…
Oh this troll had alright…
A big call at 23 years old…
After he met a 42 year old woman at the Stardust Roller Rink in Richmond, B.C.,
and she fell on him,
all wet…
He picked up all 100 pounds of her up and took her home for a dirty weekend…
She made a comment that snapped him to attention as she walked out the door…
He quit his job in Fort St. John making 60K back in 1983,
that very week,
bought a used van,
and became the entrepreneur he is today…
He said,
You have to listen to that little voice when it calls…
I just broke up with a woman who has anorexia…
She had major control issues,
which goes hand in hand with an eating disorder…
She just called to let me know that she met someone else three weeks ago,
and is now engaged…
I told her she really should spend some time getting to know a person,
before she jumps into things like that…
I said,
trying to get my peace back with a meat hook,
and closing the door to further conversation in the key of a lowest common denominator,
You need to be VERY careful about who you bring into your life around your children,
because at your daughter’s age the influence can be dangerous,
and permanent…
Good luck on your next adventures…
He said,
Yeah, thanks…
I’m building a convention center and hotel out in Hope,
with a Tim Horton’s,
and everything…
As if this might be of my interest…
When I told him to shove off,
with my eyebrows,
he finally got the message,
and said,
Well, I better go find my little girl…
I wondered,
if this is what a man is willing to say to a woman he doesn’t know from Eve,
then what in God’s name is going on in his head…
And what in the devil is he thinking when he looks at his pre-adolescent daughter,
and all of her friends…
I wanted to run through that ferry and find that little girl,
and take her home with me,
for some health care…
But it wasn’t my place…
So I went back to knitting the googaa,
as the boat crossed the Straight of Georgia,
into some dark clouds,
and rolling thunder…
And as I went to find the four girls in my charge,
I passed the father on the ferry,
four steps ahead of his daughter,
who followed reluctantly behind him,
down to the car deck…
Not wanting to leave her peers for a moment that continues to refuse to show up…
And I suddenly got the picture of why this girl came every Tuesday for hula hooping…
A split second chance to stand close to an adult,
who knows how to say,
I see you…
and
Your being here matters,
in ways you still do not know…
You can lay your head back on the ground... (photo: Starshine)
Canuck'd 