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Honour system…

August 13, 2010

Sheila Rae walked and walked…

She turned corners…

She crossed streets…

It suddenly occurred to Sheila Rae that nothing looked familiar…

— in Sheila Rae the Brave by Kevin Henkes…

Yesterday a friend watched me jump into a clear pool of the Seymour River,

after we’d biked eleven kilometers into the valley,

ate our prociutto salami and fontina sandwiches,

and sat in the sun a bit…

The water was cold,

so I got out quick…

My friend,

who’s been through a lot this year said,

You’re a brave soul…

Sometimes I feel brave,

and other times I feel terrified out of my mind…

But this is way better than several years ago,

when I couldn’t feel anything at all,

except paralysis,

and I didn’t know my demons by name…

For the last five years or so I’ve been finding out who they all are,

and killing them with kindness…

When neighbours go off to work in the morning,

with big sighs,

saying things like,

Must be nice to stay at home,

and read books…

I wish I could do that…

I notice that my protestant work ethic,

and my sense of self-worth,

don’t get as triggered as they used to…

And sometimes,

if I’m in a cheeky mood,

I say,

Walk a day in my shoes…

You think this is easy,

doing what I want every day,

walking to the beat of my own drum…

I dare you to try it…

After pushing a baby out my vagina,

it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life

People hit the gas and drive off fast when you say things like that,

it’s way too much information to process…

With the price of gas these days,

it doesn’t make much sense,

to be laying rubber,

in reaction to the sound of things…

I’ve been running a social-economic experiment over the last few days…

I set up a table outside my house,

and then closed the door…

I left a sign on the table that says:

Pottery Sale

* prices marked on bottom

* please put $ through the mail slot

and money actually showed up on my door mat…

It really is a nice feeling to know that something you’ve made with heart,

is something that someone else finds to be beautiful…

One woman stood outside for quite a while in the early evening,

making her selections…

It was very encouraging for me to hear her say,

These are so nice,

as I try to see myself with new eyes,

as an artist in the world…

I noticed another change in myself today…

I used to have a perception that I had so much to do,

and never enough time…

I always had long mental lists,

scattered my energy on a million ideas,

and after completing something I always looked at what I hadn’t accomplished…

But today was different when I chose not to go down that road,

and instead I said,

Note to Self:

Very well done,

as I went over,

and appreciated,

all of the little things my hands had managed…

Especially on a day when the energy of fear rolled in every hour,

on the hour,

and it felt like silver fish might be my only company…

When everything's made to be broken...

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