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Performance anxiety…

May 29, 2010

Many people run around the wet floor of a locker room with stocking feet,

resulting in damp—and possibly fungus-contaminated—socks…

Putting shoes over damp socks creates the perfect environment for the athlete’s foot fungus to grow and thrive…

If you discover that you have athlete’s foot, alert the authorities responsible for any communal areas where the fungus might be lurking…

— in Smart Medicine for Healthier Living by Zand, Spreen and LaValle

Public pools give me the creeps…

I only enter them under duress…

And now that my children are old enough to swim on their own,

I’m finding ways to avoid them altogether,

by containing my swimming,

to rivers…

Yesterday,

at Little Gem’s last swimming lesson,

of the school session,

I was sitting with a teacher…

He was in bare feet in a public space with band-aids,

on some toenails…

I don’t need to go into the details of the cover up,

but let’s just say,

for the intents and purposes,

of health and safety,

the authorities should have been alerted…

He filled me in on his treatment plan…

I asked him the following question,

If your big toe is THE area of concern,

then why are you putting a pill,

in your mouth,

which enters your bloodstream,

and impacts every single cell of your body…

President’s Choice Montreal smoked meat,

with a chaser of oregano oil,

might be a more effective mode of treatment…

He, of course, said,

I’ve already gone the natural route…

It didn’t work…

I’ve heard that one before,

and it is another word for lazy,

can’t be bothered,

and liver damage…

It takes less effort to say,

My doctor put me on a prescription,

and pop a pill…

Then if things don’t work out,

the blame can be handed off,

to someone else…

We had a good poolside giggle about the aesthetics of aging,

and then our conversation moved onto hockey…

He said,

I’m going to tell you why the Canucks will NEVER win a Stanley Cup…

It’s because they’re all family men…

Most of them are married and have children…

So they’re not all having fun together,

living and breathing hockey,

or sweating beer,

like the gang of twenty-year olds on the Chicago Blackhawks…

I put his theory in my pocket,

and didn’t get defensive,

over the criticism of my horses’ power…

In my opinion it is more than possible for family men,

to maintain the edge,

that is needed,

to stay in the game,

if resources are managed,

in the right way,

without being a bull,

in a china shop…

But that takes practice and commitment…

There’s no easy way around it…

Last night I went to see a Japanese opera,

and one of the ushers,

was a local kilt maker,

of the Sean Connery generation…

Only two weeks ago he had given his entire collection,

of Scottish woolens,

to a thrift store,

as he now has arthritis,

and can no longer hand sew…

I asked him if he found me,

kiltworthy…

He said,

Women don’t wear kilts…

But we could put you in a skirt…

They have less fabric and fasten on the right side…

I said,

This is 2010…

I’m prepared to cross-dress for an authentic experience…

He looked at me,

from under the bush,

of his eyebrows,

and said,

This isn’t something you can get me to budge on…

It’s tradition…

Kilts are only for men…

I asked him about the underwear…

He said,

Only shoes and socks…

Now please,

go and take your seat…

And just remember that when you were asleep... (photo: Little Gem)

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