Lady’s errands…

Her most humbly elegant fineries tousled about her louche figure;

she neither floated above the earth nor ever seemed totally locked to the ground…

The same forces that kept a man in his skin didn’t touch her…

It seemed that at any given moment she could lift her legs and fly away,

kill them all,

and give birth.

— in The Man Game by Lee Henderson…

This week I was headed north toward the mountains,

on my way home from hula-hooping with school children,

when my eye caught the outline of a particular make and model,

in the picture window,

of Victoria Vacuum…

I parallel parked my Swedish wagon,

with its 5-speed manual gear box,

curbside,

and fox trotted through the door,

of the vacant establishment,

to get a filter,

some bags,

and a new brush head,

for my cleaning equipment…

The Tri-Star vacuum system is unbeatable…

Prior to the advent of Craigslist and online shopping,

you could only acquire such a durable beast,

through door-to-door sales,

or as rebuilds from mom and pop shops…

Planned obsolescence sends me into anaphylaxia…

It is criminal activity that demands immediate,

enforced,

cessation,

for the good of the earth,

and Burns Bog…

This sturdy machine stands the test of time…

The proprietor of this little business promised me the lowest prices in town,

on replacement parts…

I refuse to argue,

preferring the employ of more subtle arts,

such as the (R+M)/2 Method,

to uncover truth…

As the bill was being settled,

I inquired into the echoes of cheering and commentating,

I could hear coming from the storeroom…

Why, that’s not hockey you’re watching is it???

The owner laughed,

No, Ma’am…

In the afternoon???

What you hear is the sound of fighting…

U.F.C. style??? I enquired, where men fight in their underwear until they bleed out of their ears???

(Mangiggle) Yes…

You appear to be so genteel,

have you always been enamored with this cultural activity,

or is this of new interest for you???

It’s new…

Why do you like it???

I’ve asked myself the same question,

because I haven’t always been one for fighting…

But the thing is,

if you don’t structure fighting in an organized sport,

it happens on the street and then it can spiral out of control…

Or drive itself underground,

where things twist grotesquely into something unrecognizable to this day and age…

Exactly…

Do you have a favorite fighter???

(Mansmile) Yes, Georges St. Pierre…

Why do you like him???

Because he’s the best,

and he’s Canadian…

I understand,

completely…

Canadians are becoming more GD patriotic by the second,

and it is about time…

WE just need to be sure that we’re clear about the kind of patriotism that we want to grow,

and why…

Of course once I got home and looked into the U.F.C.,

which is something I knew nothing about,

I flipped over a rock,

and some crabs started to crawl around in the exposure…

Next week I’m returning to Victoria Vacuum,

for a pre-determined no fee diagnostic,

on my Tri-Star’s motor,

to prevent burn-out,

during my pre-writing ritual,

of brushing stories out of the cracks,

in my old growth fir floors,

and to make some inquiries into Octagon Girls…

I knew about Supermodels and Playboy Bunnies,

but I had no idea that a professional hot chick is now considered an official occupation,

and that a person can be trade marked as such…

The world is my oyster,

and I intend on shucking it,

for all it is worth,

in a magnificent redress…

The night before last,

right around the time that the triplets set up their Bermuda Triangle,

and Burrows evened up the score against the Edmonton Oilers with a power play goal off the tip of his stick,

my teacher was getting me into just the right position,

as I prepared to kick up my heels…

She chirped into my ear,

like a Spanish song bird…

Place your hands on your hips,

asymmetrically…

Open your arms like two half moons…

Turn your torso to the mirror…

Be aware of God’s finger pulling up your breastbone…

Tighten up your knees,

behind,

and belly…

Push your pelvis forward…

Look up to the corner of the sky and breath in the scent of those orange blossoms…

It has been your life’s dream to go to Seville,

and you are finally here…

Remember your dignity,

your grace,

and your happiness…

Feel it…

Now dance…