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So much love…

December 23, 2009

I believe that some people have the impression that my children and I are reading encyclopedias.

and academic journals,

24/7 over at  my house…

Not so…

In fact I refuse both types of publications…

And I refuse to write essays…

This resulted in me getting the lowest mark ever in the history of my graduate work,

for the elective course I took in Women’s Studies called Topics in Contemporary First Nations Women’s Art,

because instead of writing an essay talking about other women,

and their art,

in the third person,

I responded with my own cultural production,

in the form of an ear, nose, and throat bundle,

holding a paper canoe wrapped up in copper wire…

What would you say if she promised you heaven???

And then instead of writing a corresponding 1500 word artist statement,

because I do not yet call myself an artist,

I wrote a 6, 014 word stream of consciousness,

because that is what wanted to happen,

and just couldn’t be stopped…

In my eyes,

the essay is the ultimate colonizer…

No one reads essays anymore unless they have to,

which means that they’re marking them,

and assigning grades,

like a meat inspector…

And unfortunately,

this means that children in Kindergarten and Grade One,

in the public school system,

will continue to be forced through an extruder in the shape of an ABC,

because despite all of its education,

the academy can’t come up with any better way to assess and evaluate knowledge and understanding,

than the written word of argument,

5,000 of them,

in 11 font…

And so this is Christmas... and what have we here...

This morning my daughters Little Gem (7) and Starshine (1o) called from their other home,

and wanted to debrief their trip to Whistler…

They both has a very good time,

mostly because Starshine brought her new best friend along for the ride…

Little Gem told me,

Sunshine was so helpful when my sister was being mean to me…

She helped me calm down when I was so angry I was about to explode…

She gave me things to think about…

She really likes me,

and I really like her…

Starshine told me,

The trip would not have been nearly so much fun if I hadn’t had my friend along…

And by the way, I do the same thing for Sunshine and her little sister as she does for me and mine…

And they are way more physical…

Just so you know…

I said,

You’re both pretty effective mediators aren’t you???

Starshine said,

with self-confidence,

Yes, we are…

Last week Starshine and I were talking about her friendship with Sunshine…

These two girls have been at school together since Kindergarten,

but this is the first year that they have really connected…

Sunshine has always been best friends with Funnygirl…

I asked Starshine if Funnygirl is okay with how close she is with Sunshine,

and if Funnygirl ever feels left out,

or replaced…

I grew up in the thick energy of triangles…

Female possession and jealousy was always the name of the game,

at home,

and at school…

It has always been in and around me like a crude black oil that suffocates real love,

so I know it well…

But I’ve only recently allowed myself to feel it,

and clear it…

Starshine surprised me…

She said,

I’ve already talked to her about that…

I asked her how she felt about Sunshine coming with me to Whistler,

and if she feels okay about Sunshine and me hanging out so much…

She said it’s okay…

She and Sunshine have their own sleepovers without me..

so they get their own alone time…

I asked,

Do you believe her???

And do you think that she felt like she could be honest about her feelings???

Starshine without a doubt, said,

Yes I do…

I had to sit back,

and marvel…

And then talk myself into acknowledging,

that I may have had something to do with my child having that kind of foundation,

despite my own experiences,

and the climate she was born into…

I have said goodbye to a number of friends throughout my life…

I’m not one to hold onto relationships for the sake of Pete…

I remember not wanting to be around some people right from the beginning,

but I went along with them anyway,

because I was being pursued,

with presents…

Presents I never wanted,

or enjoyed…

Sacred gifts are different,

and you know it when you receive them,

in heart shaped boxes…

I have felt guilt about closing those doors,

and not knowing the right words to say as I exited stage left…

But recently I have been having dreams where those people come back to me,

and I’m telling them that I just couldn’t do it anymore,

and why…

They have said,

in this dreamtime,

Thank you,

for being a good friend,

and resolution comes to light…

I remember Starshine telling me about a blackline drawing that she did,

from her subconscious,

last school year…

She said,

I just let my hand move the pen,

and when it stopped I looked at the lines…

I saw two trees…

The trees were like me and my friend standing way too close,

and their roots were all tangled up together…

My roots want to dance,

all on their own…

When you're eight they're the kind that linger...

On the Solstice I ran into my old best friend,

just before I entered the space to walk a labyrinth…

I was nervous about seeing her,

but we just quickly said hello and I moved on…

She and I met in Kindergarten…

We had many sleepovers…

We skipped the same grade…

We went to the same mini-school for grade eight, nine, and ten…

We traveled in Europe…

We went our own way for a while and then met up again until we each had children…

Then I started to grow in a different direction,

exponentially,

and I didn’t feel like I could be myself with her anymore…

Something in me refused to play small or compete to see who knows more,

or who has the best idea…

I’m over fighting for air,

in an open field full of enough ideas,

and love for everyone,

without any poverty of expression…

This afternoon I turned on an old computer that has been collecting dust over in the corner,

a few minutes before I was about to load it up into the car,

and drop it off for recycling…

I thought it might detonate like a forgotten land mine,

but is started humming again like nobody’s business…

I read a string of short stories from what seems like such a long time ago now…

Stories holding the Mirror of Erised,

and The Sweetest Thing…

She took the pains of boyhood and turned them into feel good...

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